How To Eat Liver

Liver.

You either hate it, or you pretend not to hate it to impress your friends when you’re dropping a couple NorCal margaritas and a bunless burger after an intense CrossFit sesh.

Actually, some people claim to like the taste of liver, but these people mostly consist of those with a rare condition in which they were born with no taste buds. (It’s so rare that it’s not on Wikipedia yet, so don’t try looking it up.)

Liver isn’t much to look at, so here’s a picture of a livery.
Liver isn’t much to look at, so here’s a picture of a livery. Image: autoblog.com

See, the thing about liver is it’s so damn full of nutritional goodness.

The other thing about liver is it tastes like a butt.

That’s why the American Liver Council (also not yet on Wikipedia) asked me to write this post. To help those of you struggling to get past the uh, let’s say the rich, rich, rich umami quality of liver, so you can reap the full benefits of its powerhouse nutritional status.

So without further ado, I present:

8 Ways to Make Liver More Palatable

1. Start really young.

We fed my son liver when he was just 6 months old, and he still gobbles it down. Unfortunately for most of us, developing this kind of easy rapport with liver would require time travel back to our infancies, and time travel is something that’s out of the price range for most folks these days.

2. Combine it with other strong flavors that can mask the liver-y taste.

Sounds simple, right? Hold up! This requires some strategy. The trick is to pick a food or foods that aren’t quite your favorite(s), because their flavor is about to become indelibly linked with that of the liver. And so, for the sake of all that is holy, please don’t chase or combine liver with coffee or chocolate.

3. Hide the liver.

Like in a big pot of chili, or behind the TV stand, where you’ll never have to think about it again until a small rodent discovers it and eats it, makes a nest and has its babies and the whole family lives out the remainder of their rodent lives in that very spot and you won’t know they’re there until several weeks after their quiet passing when the smell becomes alarming enough that its location is undeniable and then when animal control has been called and the whole sordid mess is finally over you’ll collapse on your couch and think, “Well, gosh! Next time I think I’ll just eat the liver, probably.”

4. Rethink your whole attitude toward liver and the liver-eating experience.

Think about the cow that gave you its liver, and how thankful you are to receive the bounty of all those liver nutrients. Think about the beautiful, sacred cycle of sustenance of which we are a blessed part. You will open yourself to a whole new way of thinking about your food, about the circle of life, and about the meaning of gratitude. (Note: The liver will still taste exactly the same.)

5. Eat it really fast.

You know how in some video games you have to tap a button really fast to beat the boss or to run fast enough to jump that crevasse? Think about doing that, except with your jaw.

6. Cook the liver, chop it into bits, then freeze them to make liver pills.

You can then grab a couple of liver pills whenever you feel like choking on something. Just kidding! But really, make sure to swallow them properly, or they might lodge in your throat, leading to painful throat cramps and causing you to taste liver for up to three months.

7. Hold your nose while you chew.

Actually, this works great.

8. Buy desiccated liver.

Desiccated is a fancy way of saying “dried.” This is another easy, effective way of getting your liver in without ruining your afternoon. But please, no snorting.

Did you like this post? If so, please feel free to share it on social media, preferably with a cool hashtag like #liverhacking.

And/or do you have a liver-focused manuscript you need edited? If you do, that’s really strange, but I’ll probably work with you.

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